I feel like my entire life up until this point has been learning lesson after lesson of how people break people’s hearts. In most cases it has been my own heart broken, recently the tables turned. It is one thing when your own heart is broken, because you know you are capable of getting over it, forgiving, learning, and moving forward. It’s another thing entirely when you are the one doing the heart breaking. How can you really expect forgiveness? How do you continue the friendship without being guilt-ridden?
This lesson is one involving trust. I like being trusted, makes me feel good. That statement right there? Yeah, that’s my problem. You see, I like feeling good. There are a number of things that make me feel good, being trusted is one of them….being accepted is another. I think I have finally learned my lesson about trust and acceptance and how they fit together. I want to be a trustworthy and faithful friend, I really and truly do. Sometimes I think I get caught up in the moment, caught up in conversation, caught up in the acceptance. And those other people are really good too, because they play off a “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine” attitude and they trick you right into believing they are trust worthy too. Deception.
It’s unfortunate that I wear my heart on my sleeve, someone can get to know me in a very short time period because of how open and honest I tend to be. It’s a quality in myself that I both love and hate. You see, people take advantage of people like me, because they can. I’m easy. People like to talk to me because I am accepting, and I have this squishy exterior that makes people feel comfortable opening up to me. That is the part where I have had to grow and learn and be burned. I don’t want to screw up those qualities in myself by countering them with a big mouth. Big heart and big mouth do not make a lovely mixture.
What I have learned is that my worth is not in other people, acceptance doesn’t matter. I have learned that loyalty does not always mean loudly standing up for the things you are loyal too, but sometimes protectively keeping your lips sealed. I am guarded, and it’s not a fun place to be. But this is me, learning how to use my gifts for the right purpose. If one thing is for sure, I will make one heck of a counselor one day. Today is unfortunately not that day.