I always try and speak using correct grammar and pronunciation. I take pride in caring about how I’m communicating, and in being understood. So as you can imagine, when I started having a small, infrequent problem of stuttering,it bothered me a lot. Rephrase: it bothers me a lot.
After my first chiari related situation that landed me in the ER waiting room, stuttering has been a small problem. The situation began with my vision being…weird. It was unexplainable. I put my right hand down by my side and I looked straight ahead, and by golly, I could still see my right hand. It really started freaking me out. After that happened, parts of the right side of my body started going numb. My hand, my face, and the most weird symptom ever, the right side of my tongue. After that, my speech went weird. I couldn’t get sentences out right. I felt like I was trying to talk a million miles a minute and nothing would come out right. I couldn’t remember phone numbers of the people closest to me in my life. One of the perks of working in a hospital is that the ER was literally about 20 steps away. I sat in the waiting room for about 30 minutes as my symptoms slowly dissipated and I signed a release form saying that I was checking myself out of the waiting room against medical advice. 4 years later I had surgery. I have only recently experienced those same symptoms over again, but only on the left side this time.
Stuttering should not be a big deal to me. It is a symptom of a problem that I cannot help, and there are people that have actual speech problems that stutter every day of their lives. I do not have anything to complain about if you look at the situation in perspective. I guess the problem with stuttering for me is that it serves as a reminder that in so many situations I fail to get my words out the way I meant for them to be. For someone that takes pride in their communications, stuttering is just a reminder that no matter how hard my human flesh tries to express, communicate, explain…I always come up short.
We are all different. We process information differently, we process situations differently. I guess that is a good thing, because otherwise we’d be living in the most boring world ever. But when those differences cause a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, a clash of ideas? It’s so easy to wish that we were all the same.
I am tired, and have found myself stuttering this morning; it was the motivation for this particular blog. And it is completely amazing what I have discovered through writing this. When I am tired, I stutter. When I am tired, I fail to communicate in a comprehensible fashion. And right now? I am just so tired. So very tired of trying to communicate.