I write when I’m happy, or at least when I’m not upset anyway. Some people say that when they are upset, they write. Things are bad and they can write poetry or music or what-have-you much better than when they are happy. I’ve always been able to write when I’m happy, and have never really liked writing when I’m not. When LiveJournal was my outlet for writing it was a bit easier to write about things that were not exactly the best at the time, because I treated it as a journal and could make entries private or only available to certain groups of people. I didn’t have to worry about how my words would affect anyone around me and I could just put it all out there.
I have a friend that I confide in and get advice from. She knows how analytical I am and how crazy my brain is when it’s trying to process information or come to an intelligent conclusion. One problem that I have is, when I am upset about something I try and analyze out in my head what will happen if I approach the situation from each view. I like to know why I feel the way I feel, why the other person feels the way they feel, what needs to change in order for the situation to be different, etc. And this is all before ever approaching the other person involved in the situation. While sometimes this can be a useful process, one thing my friend taught me is that it is totally unfair to the other person involved. By trying to figure out what they are thinking, feeling, or what needs to change I am cheating them out of the opportunity to speak for themselves and communicate.
It is one thing to communicate with Brad, or my parents. When the bad is all out on the table and we begin working towards a resolution, I know that no matter what the outcome, we will still love each other and we will still have a relationship. It is different with friendships and relationships that do not fit into the category of family and spouse. It’s amazing how people will run from a relationship if they are no longer getting what they want out of it, or hearing what they want to hear. Of course friendships are a great for having someone to talk to when they need someone, but it is very much a give and take relationship. There are friendships that I have maintained that I am the first person they will run to if there is a problem, but I cannot for the life of me remember the last time they asked me how I was doing, or what was going on in my life.
So I write when I’m happy, because that means I do not have to put on a face and pretend that everything is okay. I try my best to be an honest person, and pretending I am happy when I am not is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. As much as I’ve tried to be the type of person that can fool people, my heart still resides on my sleeve.
But I’m proud to say that my new best friend is way better than LiveJournal any single day of the week, Brad is the bestest friend a girl could ever ask for.