Actions speak louder than words, right? So what do you do when your actions fail to reflect what is on the inside?

Hurt, anger, bitterness….they all are feelings and emotions that cause a person to respond in one fashion or another. One thing I have noticed is that unless those feelings are dealt with, there are triggers. You can say you have forgiven, or that everything is okay. You can sweep things under the rug and pretend that there was never an issue. Until the dreadful trigger. Something is said, a comment is made, a familiar look, word, or phrase. And you are back there…back in the anger, back in the hurt, feeling that turmoil inside. Your stomach has butterflies, you can’t look the person in the eye, you’re replaying situation after situation in your head and it’s as if no time has passed. You want so badly to smile, to find your sense of humor, to be back in THIS world and not the one inside….the world where you walk on top of the rugs, instead of crawling on your stomach beneath the rugs, amidst all of that hurt and anger.

I have heard that unforgiveness can be physically damaging. It tears you up inside. Your body aches, there is constantly a war within yourself. Let go. Be happy. Love completely. But it’s not fair. They don’t deserve it. They are just going to do it again. I’m going to get hurt again. And in some cases…they didn’t even ask for your forgiveness because they never even knew you were upset. Those are the worst kinds of hurts, that is the hardest kind of forgiveness. And why-oh-why is it the people closest to us that are the hardest to forgive? You will forgive a friend, an acquaintance, a coworker…but it is the hardest to forgive your family, your best friend, your spouse, your child. You hang on to that resentment and that offense and against every thing in you, you bring it up and lash out and use every opportunity you get to feel justified in your constant anger. And really and truly you don’t want that person to feel hurt, because you love them, but you do it anyway. You don’t hold your tongue, you aren’t the bigger person, and in the end…nobody wins and the relationship develops small fault lines, causing instability.

You begin to hate yourself, because you know better. You hate their kind actions towards you….because you don’t deserve it. Why is it so easy for them to be nice and repay your hurtful actions with kindness? How come it’s so easy for them to be a bigger person? Why isn’t your love enough? And if you’re like me, you begin to think about why Jesus died on the cross. Our slates are clean as long as we ask for them to be. We were forgiven before we ever asked for it, before we ever realized that we were wrong, before we were ever alive. “I’m so wretched” you begin to say. “What is wrong with me??” you ask yourself. “Who am I?” you wonder. Where is the person that so humbly recognized their need for forgiveness kneeling before the feet of Jesus? Why are the words so easy to say, but the actions so difficult? Why is this wall getting thicker, higher, stronger?

Yeah, I’ve got it all figured out; the problem anyway. I get the problem. I understand it, I live it, I breathe it….the problem is no stranger to my land.

It’s the solution that I just can’t figure out. The solution feels worlds away, foreign, incomprehensible. I just want my words to reflect my inside, and I want my inside to be worth reflecting.