A good friend of mine at work calls me “Sunshine”. I have always been a very happy and smiling person and have been given nicknames like “101 laughs” my entire life. I love to laugh and I get compliments on my infectious smile. People that know me try everything they can to get me going on one of my laughing spells because, how can one person laugh for 30 minutes straight and not fall over of exhaustion?
So what is the problem lately?
My coworker called me this morning, before I was ever clocked into work. Still waking up, hadn’t taken my first sip of coffee, and had just gotten finished doing odd and end chores around the house. “How come you’re never happy anymore”, he says.” I AM happy! But I’m at work and I’m still a little sick, and I’m tired!” And annoyingly he replies with, “At least you even have a job to wake up to…”.
Look, it’s not that I don’t get it. I’m one incredibly blessed person and I thank God every single day for the opportunities that God has placed in my path. I have an amazing job that allows me the ability to buy the name brand cereal, or those cute pair of jeans that are on sale, or that hat that Brad really likes. My family is the best, most supportive and loving. My husband loves me every single day and makes my world spin around without fail. I just can’t move past the fact that I don’t get enough time, I don’t have enough time to enjoy those things that I love so much. I can’t get used to working 5 days and the uneven trade of only 2 days to spend with the people that I want to spend time with. It’s not that I haven’t been doing this for the last 7 years, because I have. But now I have a husband that I could spend 24 hours a day with given the opportunity, I have both church friends and my “Raleigh Friends” that don’t deserve to be short-changed but continuously get put on the back burner, I have a brother that had become my best friend and lives 2 hours away that I hardly get to see at all anymore, and on top of all of that I have a 2 year degree that I’m ready to tackle but can only slowly chip away at with one class a semester.
There is so much more to life than working a job just to pay the bills for a home that hardly gets lived in and car that is used just to get to said job. I work from home and I know that probably doesn’t give me the right to complain about homes and cars and all related subjects, but I just want to see my husband. I want to spend quality time with my mom and dad and brother. I want to see my friends and meet their new boyfriends and hear what is going on in their lives! I want to get my degree so that I can counsel and help instead of resetting passwords and battling for numbers with my coworkers all day. I want to enjoy my life, enjoy my days isntead of constantly feeling reliant on a desk and a paycheck.
I know, it’s just life and it’s just how it works. I’m smart enough to know that life and its circumstances change and move like the motion of the ocean and before I know it 3 years will have passed and life will be completely different. But I’m not 3 years from now, I’m NOW and I just want to vent and complain and not have my feelings and emotions explained away by looking to the future.
Mentally and emotionally, I am feeling down. Without any realistic reason what-so-ever, I miss my husband and I miss my family. I’m sure if you went down the line of symptoms of depression I would be able to check a few off, but that is not ME and I don’t want to be in a rut that causes me to lose who I am. I need my motivation, I need knowledge to win out over emotion, I need to savor the things in my possession and not feel like I always have to have more. It is one thing to say that I trust God with my life and where He is taking me…it’s a whole other thing to do it without complaining and grumbling.