I do not have a whole lot to say right now. I have become this complaining machine that has nothing good to say and hardly a good mood or moment to brag about. I am not proud at all to say this and really would rather bury myself under a pile of dirt, but pregnancy sucks. And if one more person tells me that it will get better, I think I may scream.
It is frustrating being in the place that I am because people that care about you ask you how you are. I am an incredibly blessed person that has an amazing church family, an amazing immediate family, and an amazing “in law” family that all care greatly about me. This means that literally about 30 times a week I get asked how I am feeling, how is the baby, etc. And when you have nothing good to say, because it feels like there is nothing good right now, it’s a depressing place to be. Do not get me wrong, I am so happy to be becoming a mother and all of the great things that come along with it, but there is nothing happy about these months leading up to the moment I will get to hold my child and kiss it’s precious round cheeks. I am also so grateful for my family and friends and for their constant care and concern, so please don’t get me wrong. But each time someone asks me it’s a reminder of how disappointing I already am as a mother. “It’s all going to be worth it” I keep hearing, but I don’t need to hear that, because I know that. I just need to hear, “Yeah, it sucked for me too and I can totally relate….you are not a bad person and you’re going to be a great mom”. Granted it would probably make me cry, but it would be nice to hear.
Speaking of crying….I cry. Oh Lordy do I cry. I have always been an emotional person, I will always be an emotional person. When I heard that pregnancy makes you emotional I thought, “Well I’ve already got that covered, no way it can get worse!” and then the moment came that made me laugh at myself and say “Boy did you ask for it, Self.”
Last week at work I dealt with an issue a little more extreme than I should have. We had been having some problems and a customer came along with a similar issue and I thought it was all related and dropped my normal steps of troubleshooting and immediately took it to my superiors thinking that an already large problem was spreading. We all began troubleshooting the problem together through an insane amount of back and forth email threads leading to many full inboxes. Come to find out it had nothing to do with the widespread problem we had been experiencing and it was just a matter of having the customer log in with wireless disabled. In the process of this though I did not get the computer name for the customer and if I had of they could have figured it out even quicker by looking to see that the computer was a laptop. I get an email from my boss addressed to everyone letting me know what I could have done to improve the situation and he took into account nothing that had already happened that day and had led me to believe the issue was something different. I was embarassed and really felt stupid, especially being called out in front of everyone. My boss and I really do have a great relationship though so NORMALLY it wouldn’t have been an issue and I would have shot some snarky comment back and we would have laughed. But instead I cried and had to compose myself. I guess he caught on to my embarassment and called me to apologize and explain himself a little more. In order to keep from crying I had to completely disengage myself from the conversation and concentrate on something else. We ended the conversation and I again broke down because, wasn’t it so nice of him to apologize? ::Sigh:: I emailed him a few minutes later and apologized for seeming disengaged but that I was on the verge of a break down and appreciated him calling to apologize and explained that it’s going to be a long nine months. He laughed and told me to breathe and relax.
Breathe and Relax, huh? I wish it were that easy, because I feel so out of control. I don’t freak out easily, I am not easily shaken and rattled and in the midst of chaos I am pretty good at holding myself together and claiming complete trust in God. Dude, He has it all under control because He is like God and stuff. But I think pregnancy is different because I’m not worried, I’m not stressed out, I just feel like CRAP. I feel nauseous, I’m tired, I’m letting my friends down left and right and they refuse to try and relate to where I am coming from and are hell-bent on making me feel guilty, my hormones are ridiculously out of wack, I have 2 assignments left in class and I am putting them off till the last minute, and I just feel like pregnancy has already stolen ME. I know it will get better, it has to. But what am I supposed to do in the mean time?