So I’m sitting at my parent’s house, the baby is asleep upstairs, Brad is at band practice, my toes are freshly painted, and I’m trying to unwind. Today has been clear liquids, no food. Tomorrow is surgery.
I’ve done everything possible today and over the past few days to occupy my mind. Today during lunch I wrote out the guest list for Autumn’s 1st birthday, which is 3 months away. Not only did I do my job today, but also my co-workers’ job. I have read blog after blog. Read status’ on Facebook 2 and 3 times. Fed, bathed, and rocked my baby girl. Everything possible to not concentrate on the possibilities of tomorrow.
It’s not that I’m a negative person. I know that life offers plenty of good and I’m blessed to have such a happy life. But I’m also realistic and I know what the procedure tomorrow entails and the risks that come with it. I serve a big God, who loves me and my family more than anything, but everybody has their day and God is in control. I just keep praying that tomorrow is not my day and that I won’t abandon my family.
I’m not afraid to die. I know, this is a horrible way to go into surgery…but it has been like this every single time I’ve had something done medically. I’m a terrible patient. But what I am afraid of is to leave my husband and my daughter without a wife and without a mother. While I am in heaven rejoicing and praising God, my family would be mourning the death of someone very important to them. That just kind of makes me nervous.
Tomorrow I will be changing my life in a major way to fix a deep-seated issue of addiction to food. I’m excited, I’m scared, I’m dreading it. It’s truly an emotional roller coaster. I keep imagining what it is like for someone to go to rehab for a year to recover from drug or alcohol addiction. They leave their family for an entire year to heal and recover. They don’t know if things will change between their spouse, if their child will remember them, if the change will be permanent, if they can function in society after being in another world for an entire year. It’s not the same, I know. I’m getting cut open, and my recovery is quick. My family will be waiting for me in my room after it’s all said and done and my daughter will see me the next day. But I feel like the same way an addict dreads rehab, but is excited for the change….that’s me. I think it’s okay and even normal to think about the horrible things that can happen before such a huge life changing event. I think it’s a relief to share my fears with my friends and family who are there to support me. It just feels right.
So yeah, that up there? That total black cloud hanging above this here paragraph? That felt good. It’s all out there. I just wanted it out of my mind and out there. I’m ready for tomorrow. I’m ready for what tomorrow holds and the incredible changes to come. There is just so much good in store for me, my health, and my self-esteem.
I mean, I know there is so much that could go wrong….but how can I focus on that when there is so much good to come from this?