Classes started last week. I’m taking one online and one hybrid. I am still convinced that I’m not cut out for school. I like to learn and gain knowledge, but dang I can’t stand being required to do work that receives a grade…I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m really just afraid of being a failure. I guess I just lack the self-confidence necessary to excel. Or something like that, who knows?

Autumn is still potty training. We let her go around the house without panties all day long and she goes on the potty but she is still not very vocal about when she needs to go (consistently anyway, sometimes it’s “PEE PEE! STINKY!”). And our crazy girl is talking in sentences like a mad woman. We look at each other on a daily basis and say “when did she get so grown and smart?!” She says the silliest things. “What happened? What happened, baby?” Or she will hand us her “banket” and climb in our lap and ask for her banket over top of her “yap” and then as an afterthought “Mere Baby! I hold you!” because she wants to hold her baby on her lap while we are holding her on our lap. She gives the best kisses and hugs, when you tell her you love her she says “yuv you” and at night when it’s time for bed she says “rub back”. She asks for bubbles in her “baff” and when I clean her nose with a q-tip she says “boogies?” If you pass gas she has ears like a dang animal and says “boop?” and will often push one out herself and smile saying “boop”. When I tell her to push on the potty to get it out she takes her little finger and pushes her thigh, like I have asked her to push a button. When I put my makeup on she says “yips?” and I’ll put my chapstick on her lips and she says “Mommy yips?” so then I put it on my lips and she follows it up with “Autumn yips?” so I put it on hers again. Then it’s, “hair?” and so I spray her hair too. She will grab our finger and say “walk?” because she loves it when Gampa walks her around the yard and she wants us all to do what Gampa does. I just want to document every second of her life, because everything about her is precious and she makes me so happy. She keeps me in wonder, how quickly children grow up, how quickly they develop these skills that we take advantage of. Who ever thinks about the fact that language had to be learned and wasn’t always so ingrained in you? I know I think about that a lot now. I think about every skill that has to be learned, and how amazing God created our brains to be that we can learn it so quickly and easily. She truly is a little sponge. We play music for her every night, we bought Mozart when she was just born because we heard that studies have shown it really does improve your brain to listen to it. I’m just dying for Autumn to be smarter than I ever was, to have more confidence to excel at whatever she can dream of to do and so I put Mozart back in her CD player. But I can’t help but wonder if it’s even possible for this little girl to be any smarter? Could I even handle it?? Oh, a mother’s love.

Sometimes it’s hard to see the sunshine through the clouds, but my life is good. It’s a fact. Finding blog content reminds me of that each time. It’s a shame that I don’t do it more frequently, but life just gets away from me. I have blinked and my child will be 2 in November. I have blinked and I have been married for 3 years. I have blinked and I’ve been in North Caroline for 13 years; I’ve now lived in NC longer than I lived in MD. It is unreal. I get serious anxiety just thinking of these things, feeling nauseous and sad. Why is that? Sometimes it feels like I’m wasting life away with the trivial task of just living. Isn’t there more to it than just paying bills and making it through Monday to Friday? These aren’t new questions, questions that hundreds have not asked before me. It’s just the mood I’m in. Blase. And now annoyed, because I can’t figure out why the alt code for the e with an accent won’t work.

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